i_speak_softly | Fortieth Theory [Written]

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Fortieth Theory [Written]

(Also in code, but translated OOCly for your convenience.)

March 3. Weather colder than I had hoped. Snowsuit good idea, must try to replicate at home. Did a lot of thinking and made campsite by mid-afternoon. Worked through remaining daylight.

March 4. Meditated all day. Nothing.

March 5. Meditated all day. Nothing.

March 6. Meditated all day. Revising prior analysis of "nothing" -- am much better at meditating than I used to be.

March 7. Went hiking today. Weather much warmer. Area, and views from it, very interesting. Really is an ocean now -- would like to go there in the summer. Thought about a lot of things. Watched the stars come out. Talked to Derek. Missing family and friends but not ready to go back yet.

March 8. Meditated again. Think I made contact.

March 9. The string moved!

March 9 - Later. Master Splinter here. Talked to him and Mikey. Have permission to finish what I came here to do, but will have a lot to explain when I get home. Must remain focused - can't stay away from my family like this for nothing.

March 10. Feel wonderful. Want to talk to Master Splinter about so many things, but still not ready to go back.

March 11. Much progress today.

March 12. Tried using magic with bo. Liked results.

March 13. Walked today, communicated with spirit. Should have come here months ago. Understand a lot now. Ready to go home.

((Don is in the mountains for a while. Post will be updated over the course of his journey and can be used for any plotty things that need to be played out.))

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[About an hour after Robert and Raph's conversation, Raph's spent some quality time blowing off steam attacking his punching bag. When he's found his Zen place again, he tries getting a hold of his brother. He can't decide if this's a good idea or not, but he guesses there's only one way to find out.]

Don.

((Note to self: Really the 5th.))

[It's late. Don doesn't know if he'll sleep tonight. His mind is still too unsettled. He can't have distractions. But...]

You have five minutes.

Well, jeez. Don't sound so freakin' happy to talk to me.

[Okay, maybe he hasn't blown off all the steam.]

Edited 2011-03-06 03:15 (UTC)

[He closes his eyes and pinches the ridge between them.] I can't right now, Raph. What do you need?

[SIGH.]

I just got done talkin' with Robert. He came to me makin' sure you're still alive. What the shell was that about?

[He swears softly and in regards to multiple subjects.] What did you tell him?

I told him you were off in the mountains getting your head together. Don seriously. He came to me. The guy's terrified of me. You got any idea how worried about ya he's gotta be if he's comin' to me first?

Nnn... I forgot to tell him I was going. I didn't know he was - [A sound of pages flipping.] Raph, it hasn't even been a week since I talked to him.

Hey, y'know what? If I was supposed to be "in love" with somebody? A week's too long. But that's just me.

[Ugh. He can't believe he's actually advocating this. The things he does for you, Don. Seriously. Now he feels dirty.]

[Robert needed to talk to Donatello - or rather, needed to talk at Donatello, whether he responded or not; just to clear his mind, to get all those feelings out somehow in a medium that made sense. Writing made sense. Less sense than typing, to be sure, but it was strangely relaxing in a way, getting those emotions into some tangible form.

He did hope Donatello would respond. But Robert mostly writes this long note to try to crystallize his own thoughts into something coherent.]

Donatello... I realize the past week or so has probably been difficult for both of us. I also realize that there may be things you had trouble sharing with me, which I understand - I am much like that, in that sharing certain aspects can be quite difficult to do at times. I am afraid that this mutual lack of communication has led to some... problems in terms of us relating, because right now I have no real concept of whatever is troubling you; all I can fathom is that you are upset enough to go to the mountains for awhile, to think as your brother told me, without informing me prior; and while you certainly do have the right to do so, at the same time I cannot help but worry about you.

I am not sure how much you know about this, but... [Here Robert hesitates, but this is something he needs to say.] ... I really do care about you, Donatello. At this point, I can safely say I have not had these sorts of feelings for anybody - anybody at all - for eight years. Though it is true that they only were truly made aware to me after the events of Valentine's day, I assure you that they are as real as I can ascertain with empirical evidence - and they are... admittedly frightening at times, because of the fact I have so little experience with them. But the fact that you have never been with anybody at all must make this experience even more formidable, and to that end I am prepared to do whatever is in my power to help make this something that will make you happy.

I... I love you, Donatello. [Robert knows he should have said this to him, but...] Perhaps it is rash and illogical of me to say this, but... everything about you that I learned so far, I respect and admire and even treasure. Your intelligence is quite frankly astounding, and you are mature and wise far beyond your years. You are essentially everything I could have ever asked for in terms of a wonderful person that I would wish to be with. And I really do not want to jeopardize this in any way. Perhaps... perhaps I made a mistake, something that caused you to disdain my presence, and if I did make a mistake I wish to set it right. I wish to be somebody that deserves it when you say that you love me. Because when your brother told me that you had said that about me... it made me happier than I can remember feeling since the day I first set foot into the Randi Institute.

Our worlds are very different, yes, and that might be strange; it might be something that we will need to find ways to overcome. I know very well myself that I am the kind of person who finds... strange things difficult to understand. But I am willing to truly try for your sake, Donatello. You are worth that effort. To me you are... [And Robert struggles for something to convey his feelings...] You are like that endeavour of scientists to search for that truth, the theories and laws that encompass the universe - and the more I learn about you, the more I realize that I do not understand. And I want to. Even if it is strange, and at times I may find myself asking what, or why, or how. Perhaps you feel likewise. Even if you do not, though... I do eventually want to show this, and if nothing else, I want to be a person that you feel that you can truly trust, and respect.

... But I do hope that you will deem me worthy of whatever love you wish to give. Because I certainly think that you are worthy of it in return; worthy of more love than I could ever give you. Worthy of more than I could ever give you in general.

But that will hardly stop me from trying.

Edited 2011-03-06 03:36 (UTC)

[The journal slams closed.]

[An hour later.]

... Raph?

You give me five minutes, I give you two.

[He's angry, but there's no heat. That hurt, Don. Seriously hurt.]

[He's trying very hard to keep his calm. It took him an hour to fight his way back to it; he won't give it up easily.]

Raph, I came out here because I can't hear anyone else's opinions right now. I want to talk to you, but you need to respect that.

[Fine, then he won't say anything at all.]

[Don finds this missive late in the evening. He reads the first paragraph, then closes the journal with an effort of will.]

[It takes all of his discipline to not open it again.]

I'm sorry. It's not about you.

[He moves away from the journal, but he doesn't close it.]

[He swallows hard and lets the minutes tick by in silence. Eventually, he'll speak again, his voice much quieter, pained.]

So you're not even gonna talk to me.

[Don too takes a few minutes to answer. When he does, there's an odd echo to his voice, suggestive of the path the sound takes through the cave to the journal.]

Raph, you're not listening.

I am listening! Donnie... [Damn it! His throat tightens, and he can't swallow it away.] Donnie, I'm trying, okay? I'm trying so freakin' hard to understand this. And I know it ain't about me. I'm tryin' to stay out of it. But it looks like I'm stuck in the middle whether you like it or not.

I don't understand it either. I need more time. We'll - we'll talk when I get home, okay?

Fine. When you decide you wanna come back, Mikey'd like to see you. Just so you know.

... What?

Mikey. He came back home a couple days ago. He's here if you want to talk to him.

I - [Obvious sniffling noises.] Tell him I'll see him soon, Raph...

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Fortieth Theory [Written]

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[Written] | Dated to March 5th, sometime after the chat with Raphael

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