i_speak_softly | Seventy-First Theory [Voice/Action]

[Sometime during his beach excursion, Don will receive this lengthy, filtered message from his partner.]

Kararbo, the previous weeks have been difficult for both of us. I regret that I have been previously unable to communicate myself to you in an effective way, so I am hoping that, by writing this message, I may be able to rectify some of the issues raised by our discussions.

Firstly, I must note that you seem to have a false impression of the substances I have used. Some research into the topic has led me to believe that anything similar in your time is poorly-made and marketed in underhanded ways, and the substances themselves are consistently dangerous. Though I cannot speak for all intravenous drugs of your time, I nevertheless see a clear trend of the dangers far outweighing any benefits. This is in direct contrast to the arylcyclohexylamine group of drugs most commonly distributed on Terra. They are distributed openly, controlled carefully, and their toxicity rates are comparable to anaesthetics used in your time. Though they are certainly not free of side effects - amongst them, nausea and lightheadedness - intermittent medium doses have been clinically shown to be safe.

In the frequency and concentration I was using them at, this is no longer true. And for this, my behaviour must be controlled, or perhaps eliminated. But this is not tantamount to the claim that the drug itself is dangerous. Arylcyclohexylamines are simply not dangerous when they are used with discrimination; their protected legal status results from this. From what I have seen, this is similar to the distribution of alcohol and nicotene in your culture. And certainly, arylcyclohexylamines are consistently safer than both.

There are many things I have become disillusioned by regarding Terran culture, but this is not an area I have found fault with yet.

Secondly, as I attempted to explain, my initial utilisation of drugs resulted from a desire to maintain a social connection with Benjamin. Our peer group used such drugs as ways to experience altered consciousness in ways that are difficult to simulate. This is not uncommon Terran behaviour, and moreover is much different from what I recently engaged in by drinking to excess while exploiting Tsinku's bond - rather than an attempt to foster connection, that was an attempt to eliminate it entirely.

My behaviour was illogical. I caused more damage to myself, and to you, by attempting to assuage my pain in this way. These are facts that cannot be denied, and I would no sooner try to deny them than try to deny your hurt or anger. However, I do not view these situations as equivalent; the former was recreation turned dangerous, the latter was a coping mechanism, and ill-advised at that.

As I previously said, I will make every effort to not repeat this in the future. I must confess that this has previously been an issue for me even before this instance, and perhaps I must take steps that I have previously have never felt necessary. This, I will leave to your discretion.

Thank you for reading this, and for continuing to support me despite the circumstances.

[When Don finally gets home, late in the evening, Robert won't be there... he's actually just outside, watching the faux stars and the real plants that are still emerging from Splinter's garden.]

Edited 2013-06-30 04:00 (UTC)

[It's after midnight by the time Don gets home, and he's quiet - if not ninja-quiet - as he lets himself into the house. Before heading to bed he peeks into Robert's room, expecting to find the man asleep, and is surprised when the Terran isn't there at all.]

[This is a somewhat alarming turn of events. Where could Robert have gone...?]

[A moment later, loud rapping sounds from the window close to the kitchen. Should Don go to investigate, he'll find Robert peering almost dolefully through the glass.]

[Don jumps, unused to other people knocking at his window. Now he's ninja-quiet as he steals towards the source of the tapping, to see who's there.]

[He's surprised again to see his partner looking back through the window, seemingly looking for him.]

[He crosses the floor, opens the sash, and leans out.]

Robert?

... H-Hello, Don.

[Robert looks awkward. He honestly hadn't expected Don not to see him, but now he has to explain himself.]

I... wanted to... be outside, I suppose. My a-apologies...

Edited 2013-07-01 02:07 (UTC)

[Don approached the house from the wrong direction to see the garden easily, and he certainly wasn't expecting Robert to be out there.]

It's a nice night.

[Without seeming to consider any other mode of egress, Don climbs out the window to join Robert.]

I read your note.

[Robert doesn't immediately respond, but eventually he murmurs:] Is that s-so...?

[Don moves a few steps away from the side of the house.]

Were you sitting somewhere?

[It's a derail, but Robert was a little anxious to discuss it anyway, so this is welcome for the moment.]

... Here. [He leads the Turtle up to a small patch of grass near the base of one of the trees near their house. It's close to the garden and provides a nice view of the sky, framed with leafy branches. Here, it is quiet except for the soft noises of forest creatures.]

[Don sits, and looks up at the stars, the same ones he was watching at the beach.]

Thank you for writing that.

[Quietly:] You are... w-welcome. I did not understand how... d-differently your world treats such substances...

[He had assumed it was similar. He assumed wrong. Even now, it seems, he still has a lot to learn about other worlds.]

[Before anyone gets the wrong idea:]

I'm still angry. But - it isn't what I thought.

[Robert expected as much. Still, the anger is in a place they both agree on, now - or, well, he hopes, anyway.]

I... t-take too much for granted, I suppose... after this l-long.

[He shakes his head.]

We should have talked about this a long time ago. It's just that neither of us realized there was anything to talk about.

It seems like I ought to have. [In a self-reproachful tone, the man adds:] After so long, h-how could I have not realized how you felt...?

[Oh. Um. He kind of thought you did and just avoided the topic anyway.]

It doesn't matter. We can talk about it now.

[Robert has never been good at the perceptiveness thing.]

What is left to... d-discuss, at this point...? [Not dismissive, but genuinely curious. Robert doesn't really know where to go from what he wrote earlier.]

[Very cautiously, as though poking a bomb that may or may not be defused:]

Why did you do it?

[Still staring forward at the plants, rather than at Don:] My... initial drug usage, or... or the m-most recent manipulation...?

Or are you... curious about b-both...?

[Don, too, is looking at the dark grass.]

Let's start at the beginning.

The beginning... [Robert echoes it quietly, folding his hands and gently wringing them several times before saying anything. Finally, he breaks the stillness of the night once more.]

As you may r-recall, when I first met Benjamin, I was... f-fourteen years of age. But I was not introduced to arylcycloheylamines until... s-some time later, at fifteen.

To be precise... [His focus turns inward.] It was Holumo, specifically the twenty-seventh of December, at sixteen-fifteen in the afternoon, and Benjamin mentioned the name of a small venue he had been frequenting consistently... by the name of Altitude.

I agreed to a-accompany him on a date there... [It's plain that Robert, at the time, didn't really know exactly what it was for.]

[Don listens in fascination. Robert doesn't often talk about Benjamin, and Don can't help being curious about a person who was so important in his partner's life - even if not entirely in a good way.]

We went the next day. I remember Benjamin b-being... quite exuberant and enthusiastically informing me that I would "really have a great time". [The last part of the sentence is said in a cadence that is distinctly different from Robert's usual speaking tone, casual and enthusiastic. It might remind Don a little of Casey.] And... I s-suppose I did.

Altitude's facilities were c-clean and well-kept... the interior was actually quite similar to Luceti's Good Spirits, albeit... with padded, lowered seating so as to not present a r-risk to customers who... could not physically distinguish their edges. Were sterile, single-use syringes not involved, one would hardly be able to distinguish the reason... for the club's e-existence. [A slight, but sardonic, smile flits across Robert's features at that.]

I did not u-utilize any chemical alteration on that day... I was m-merely a participant in the discussions, though I remember being very anxious. [He wrings his hands.] I... r-remember feeling that... that Benjamin and his friends there seemed... very capable of i-interaction. They seemed... comfortable...

I suppose I... wished for such a sense of c-confidence myself. I was curious to experience the b-beauty and serene relaxation that... the s-substances purported to possess. And... most importantly, I wished to belong s-somewhere...

[His voice audibly quavers, and he stops, more to collect himself than anything.]

[Don rubs his arms as he listens, maybe-obviously thinking of the marks on Robert's skin - marks he didn't yet have when these events took place.]

Do you remember what they were talking about?

[What was it that Robert wanted so badly to be a part of?]

All s-sorts of topics... some much like what we talk about. R-Recent innovations in technology, and projected inventions... fascinating ph-philosophical questions... or mundane topics, such as their own l-lives, studies, friendships or partners...

... What the ingestion of s-substances did was... allow for a sort of binding even in absence of s-similar opinion, or to allow one to feel comfort in sharing such t-topics. It... was not n-necessary, of course, but the general expectation was that, upon ingestion or administration of said s-substances, one's willingness to speak, and one's perception of one's own thoughts, would... be s-subsequently altered, and therefore take on... different dimensions of m-meaning.

... I can p-personally attest to the effect, though... p-perhaps it is more artificial than I would have c-cared to admit at the time of my extensive usage...

[He can't help but knead his own arms gently now that he can see Don doing so. All these memories...]

[Don is silent for a while, reflecting on this, wondering what he might have done to gain access to such a group. After learning about the comparative mildness of drugs in Robert's world, and hearing this background, it's getting harder and harder to think that what the Terran did was wrong.]

When did you start... using?

It was the s-second of February when I... first tried a dose. [The kneading becomes more rhythmic, localized at a particular spot near his elbow on his left arm.] The lowest dose that was s-sold, of course... it was administered in a small bottle along with a p-pre-wrapped syringe, both of which bore the logo of the club. They... t-took pride in the artistic and holovideographic designs of their m-more high-end bottles...

... It was, and I suppose still is, s-something of a ritualistic behaviour.... the p-paraphernalia associated with the sessions is... a part of the experience.

But I... d-digress. [He pauses again.] ... What did you... w-wish to know, precisely, about it...?

[How does he put this into words? He'll start with:] Was it worth it?

[At first, he doesn't answer. Instead, he just keeps rhythmically focusing on that spot on his arm.

Finally, he asks a question in return.] Physically, or... e-emotionally?

Any of it. Did you find... what you were looking for?

[More kneading punctuates his answers with a backdrop of discomfort.] Yes. A-At first, of course.

... The... the euphoria... Don, perhaps you do not u-understand as it comes so easily to you, but... but to be so free, to feel so comfortable - at times I n-nearly was able to pretend as if I had never felt anxiety or social d-discomfort at all. And even though some of the s-side-effects were unpleasant, it was... worth that feeling of connection, that at last I was... truly able to meld with others...

... [Softer, but more harshly:] I d-deluded myself into thinking that... this state would o-only be beneficial to maintain indefinitely. I lost sight of... of wh-why it had been positive to begin with. It became damaging, and eventually I was unable to stop...

... Even now I am not c-certain... when that line was crossed...

[Don takes Robert's hand and holds it tightly, stopping the fidgeting.]

What makes you think I feel that way around other people?

[See that face on the scientist? That's the face of someone having a miniature potential-epiphany.]

... I... I th-thought perhaps that, with the... e-ease you demonstrate, you... did not feel the same f-fears or insecurities...

And certainly you can... u-understand more... [Don does not have to grapple for meaning in the same way Robert does. But is Don still afraid?]

[Don sighs and pulls Robert against him. When the scientist is settled against his shoulder, he goes back to holding his hand, playing with the chain around his wrist.]

Not the same, I think. But not completely different either.

[Robert resettles against Don, shivering slightly. The thousands of still-sharp memories in his head contrasted against the comfort of his partner's body is strange - it's hard to keep his mind in the present when he's so busy reliving parts of the past.]

... Perhaps the difference is... i-in how we chose to deal with such feelings.

[He looks up, again, at the stars.] Maybe the difference is in the choices we had.

[If Don had had the choice, what would've happened? So many possibilities, and none of them can be certain.]

I would p-perhaps say I wished for you to have... d-different choices. More of them...

But... if you had... would you be the s-same person? I... am not certain. It is likely you would be... qu-quite different. As would I...

[Enough hypotheticals. Don pulls the chain taut against Robert's wrist, reminding him who he belongs to.]

You are different when you've been drinking. And I don't like that person. I don't want to see him around anymore.

[Robert flexes his hand, tilting it so that Don can hold his hand closer. The chain's pressure is a bit strange, but it does serve to get his attention.]

I... do not l-like it either, Don. [He stares at the floor.] And... I u-understand the importance of avoiding alcohol to that d-degree...

... I... suppose I need assistance. Or perhaps I simply must be... more d-diligent...

We're going to start meditating together, one hour, every morning. Nothing is better for teaching willpower and self-control.

Have there been things you have... h-had difficulty resisting the impulse to do?

[He says it like he expects the answer to be no.]

[Don tilts his head, to see Robert's face.]

Are you sure you're not a little drunk right now?

[With an awkward expression somewhere between smiling and looking discomforted:] As c-certain as it would be reasonable to be.

... Is it a poor question to ask...?

[A vague gesture in the dark.]

Suddenly you seem to think I don't have normal feelings.

[Robert brushes his fingers through the grass near them before tilting them upward to link with Don's.]

Substance abuse is... n-not a normal feeling, Don. [He inclines his gaze upwards once more.] Though... one can have impulses one w-wishes to resist that are... significantly more benign...

Should I continue resisting the impulse to take you to bed?

[Robert's expression crinkles softly in what might be a subdued smile.] If you desire s-sitting with me under the sky, then... yes.

[It takes Don a minute to process this backwards response.]

Are you saying no to me?

Not entirely. [Robert's expression sobers a little.] It has... b-been some time since things have felt this... stable, between us. I would... like to relish it.

[Hm. Saying nothing further, Don leans back against the tree and closes his eyes. It's late, and he's tired.]

[Robert nestles into Don for another minute, the silence covering the two like a comfortable blanket (as opposed to the emptiness that it has been before today). But things are eventually too quiet; he recognizes that Don is exhausted.]

... Perhaps it would be best to go inside, h-however. Even if I am not so tired... you certainly a-are.

Can sleep here.

Can, yes, but... likely should not.

[But if Don doesn't get up, Robert won't.]

[Doesn't bother him, really. If the day had gone differently, he might have slept on the beach tonight.]

[But what if it gets too cold? Clearly Robert will have to solve this problem by snuggling up to him.

Some part of him feels this idea is fairly stupid. But it is not the stupidest thing he has done recently, so maybe he can afford it.]

[It's not clear what Don's state of mind - or consciousness - is right now, but the snuggling doesn't seem to bother him.]

[Looks like they're having an impromptu front yard campout tonight.]

[That's fine with him, honestly. He'll just... lay here in Don's arms until morning.

Or until something wakes them, whichever happens first. (Unfortunately it'll probably be the waking thing first.)]

[Oscar ponders his answer for a bit.

Not about what would be right to say or what that "right" answer even would be – rather, he ponders on the hows of getting his opinion across. Eventually, he decides to keep it short:]

Mm. Probably.

[Don wants to hear stories.]

Can you think of an example?

I can think of many. You must mean something monumental, right? I was thinking of the more mundane things, like when you don't want to eat your vegetables at a young age; that sort of stuff is significant in its own way, but, maybe . . . that my perception of someone has changed?

... Actually I'm interested in the vegetables.

Really? [Vegetables are good, though.] Most kids don't like to eat vegetables, right? They don't want to eat them at all. But something changes one day . . . or it might be gradual . . . and they start to eat them until it's part of their regular diet.

It doesn't even have to be vegetables. It could be anything someone didn't used to like.

I recently decided to be vegetarian, but I had wanted to try it for a long time. What makes other people want to eat vegetables?

The reason could be anything. Some realize the health benefits, while others' appetite just expand naturally. These are only two examples.

And then -- [Don feels like he's losing the connection, but he persists anyway.] - how do they feel? Do they want to keep not liking vegetables?

Maybe. It depends on the person, don't you think? Some might like the benefits, but not the taste. But others might love everything about them, whether they liked or disliked them in the past.

[Personally, he never thought much about them. He just ate.]

Do you have another example, mister ...?

A few. What sort of example are you looking for?

I guess one where something is not just unpleasant, but ... bad. Physiologically, socially, morally. Only then you find out maybe it isn't.

Ah, I see. [A beat.] Mm, that could apply to many things – like those dealing with race and war.

Yes. I think so.

That varies even more than vegetables, you know. You must be really curious!

I'm sorry; I can't help it.

It's not bad. Being curious makes everything more interesting; at least, that's what I think.

But you were talking about race and war...?

Ah, right. Some wars are started by mutual dislike between races, aren't they? Prejudice, discrimination, racism. They feel like they never end. But what if when there's the chance that those deep-seated opinions can suddenly change? It might have felt impossible at first, mightn't it?

... It certainly did when I came here.

[ . . . hm.]

Have you changed your mind since then?

Me? Well... yes.

Then you're your own example, aren't you?

[He hesitates.]

It's more complicated than that.

Why do you say that?

Mostly what I changed my mind about was whether other people could change theirs.

Other people, huh? What did you think before?

I thought that very few people could ever learn to accept someone like me. But here, almost everyone does. I've almost started to take it for granted.

So it's like that . . . Well, Luceti's a pretty big place. There's bound to be people who can't accept as easily as others.

Of course. But I would say the ratio is about opposite from back home.

I'm not surprised. Luceti's the most tolerant place I've ever seen – probably because we're all considered just one thing to the Organization.

That does have a way of bringing people together.

[Though he now wonders whether you've experienced intolerance yourself, or just seen it.]

[Ask and ye might receive, anonymous.]

It's both a good reason and a bad reason that we won't remember Luceti when we go back. You wouldn't have to pine for the tolerance you lost, but you would have lost that experience, and maybe the ideal that goes with it.

Some people consider Luceti just a cage, but there are good experiences that come with it.

[On a different kind of day, he might.]

In that sense, I think I'm glad I won't remember.

I would be glad, too . . . but also a little sad.

But it's probably for the better that things turn out that way.

A few times, yeah. It's normal, though, especially if you're open to learning new things, or something happens in your life that changes it in some big way.

[Don feels as though these descriptions apply to him.]

Is it supposed to be this hard?

If it's something you always thought would be another way, yeah, it'll be that hard. You're having to look pretty close at things you were sure of, and that's going to take a lot of work.

Any chance you're up for a late-night walk on the beach, Derek? I wouldn't mind talking to you in person.

I'm good. Just north of the teleporter, in fact.

I'll meet you halfway.

I'll be there.

[And he'll start making his way to the meeting spot.]

[Halfway is, by default, wherever they happen to meet each other. When Don sees a dark figure coming up the beach, he waves. Is that you, Derek?]

[Don will get a wave back. Yep, that's him. He's currently sitting on the sand and inspecting a surfboard, looking to see where he needs to refine and wax the surface.]

[Well then. Don will just come on over and see what's so interesting.]

Hi.

Hey. Take a seat. I have to get the board re-waxed before I use it again.

[He'll pat the sand next to him.]

So what's up?

[This is so familiar, Don almost forgets how much of his history Derek doesn't remember. He sits in the sand and launches into a monologue of his current problem.]

Robert has a drug history. And a drinking problem. And he sort of relapsed during that last experiment. We've been fighting about it, but he just wrote me a letter explaining that drugs in his world aren't like in mine, and it's really not as bad as I thought. Maybe. But he still didn't use them responsibly, so I'm not sure it makes much difference. What do you think?

[Derek has to think about it for a minute; he wasn't expecting Don to put something quite this heavy in his lap, but there it was. Now what to do with it?]

...Personally, I'd still think it was a problem. As soon as you have to make excuses to explain yourself about something you're addicted to, it's a problem. Especially if the behavior that results is damaging to the person.

By the same token, everyone has different points where having a drink or two, or taking a drug to help with something becomes less of an aid and more of a crutch. If it's temporary, if they can put it down and not look back it's not so bad.

If they have to resort to it as a coping mechanism all the time, they're in trouble.

It's not all the time. But - several times since I've known him.

Don, I don't know what to tell you. If it seems to be hurting him, then try and help him get away from needing it. If not, I guess either accept it as part of him or move on. But I can't tell you what to do, and I barely know him, so I don't know what counts as addictive behavior for him. I just know 'follow what seems right'. So that's really all I can tell you.

[Fix it, accept it, or leave. Don doesn't really like those choices.]

Are you going out in the water?

[Derek would offer more, if there were any to offer, but that was about it.]

In a little bit, yeah. How's the swimming coming along?

Better. [He gestures out to the dark ocean.] I'll wait for you?

All right.

[he wasn't ready to move yet, but he's good with Don either sticking by him or starting out on his own. He'd follow soon enough if don chose the latter.]

[Don nods, and slips out into the water. He won't go far.]

[Once he's done with getting the board back into shape, Derek will make his way out onto the water with it, laying out on the surface to stare at the sky while Don swims.]

[Don circles back to float near Derek, and resumes their earlier conversation.]

I want to meet him halfway and help him be responsible about this, but I don't know if that's realistic.

Anything is realistic of you're willing to put the work into it. And suffer the consequences if you misstep.

[Derek rolls over so he can see the stars overhead.]

Question is, though, is he willing to change his habits? If he isn't, it's going to be a hell of a fight. And one you might lose. You going to be all right if that's how it pans out?

[Hold that question for a minute.]

It's addictive behavior, Derek. Being willing isn't enough.

No it isn't. But until the person knows they have a problem, trying to help them won't get you anywhere.

That's -- [He makes a noise of frustration and dips his snout under the water momentarily.] I need to talk to him again. This won't go anywhere until we agree on what the problem is.

Yeah, you won't. Does he know you think there's a problem? Beyond what he's already apologized for and explained?

[A long pause, a thoughtful gaze at the moonlit water.]

I'm not sure. He doesn't always hear all the things I think I've said.

...You 'think' you said?

[Derek repeats that with a small frown.]

How so?

[Right. Derek doesn't know.]

Robert has a communication disorder. It's hard for him to understand anything that isn't said directly, with words. I still forget that sometimes.

He can't read people at all? How does he...?

[He shakes his head. Obviously, with a lot of help from his loved ones.]

Is it hard to be direct with him? Or is it a question of finding the right words?

Mm. [Yes, to all these things, sort of.] I'm not good at being direct. It's so against the way I was raised, I still can't get used to it.

...Would writing a letter back work?

I'm not a very good writer either.

I feel like I'm being crushed under an onslaught of self-righteous instruction. Though I'm not sure that's the same thing.

[This haughty voice comes without a greeting. Just annoyance, though not at Donatello, of course.]

-- Excuse me?

[Is it something he said?]

[The voice goes on:]

I'm not amenable to having others FORCE their point of view upon me like a ton of concrete bricks! People can be so self-righteous here!

I only asked a question!

I don't mean that. I mean...

Don't you find people here tend to resort to very low tactics to MAKE you change your mind?!

[Baffled; he can't really remember an example of that.]

No?

Bullying, I mean! Threats! Impatient language.

[Really, Don? Never? Not at all?]

[Like the way his brothers used to "ask" him to fix their stuff?]

[Maybe in Luceti people just don't have the guts to talk to a giant turtle that way.]

No, sorry.

Hmph. Well CLEARLY our experiences here haven't been the same! I'm almost inclined to hold faster to my perspective with so many self-righteous hypocrites around!

One of them even wants to poison my food.

[Stupid Zevran, always lurking.]

-- What?

How do you know?

Because he TOLD me.

[Simple as that, Don.]

And he's always....looking in my window.

What kind of --

Have you tried security measures?

I keep my food locked away, now. In a strongbox.

[Which SUCKS, but you have to do what you have to do.]

[He can't help asking:]

Are there any traps?

Traps? Lord, no. Katniss would never allow TRAPS! And that Sharpe fellow would probably wander into one.

Why do so many people here hate traps?!

[There is a sigh. At least this green fellow sees sense.]

Katniss might be persuaded, except the assassin is her friend.

{Really -- how messed up was that?]

... Your friend's friend is trying to kill you.

[Does he have that right?]

Katniss isn't my friend.

[She has to insist on that. "Friend" would feel...weird, when it came to Katniss Everdeen.]

She's more of a...

[Wait what the hell was she?]

... ?

She's more of a...

[Nope. The term still isn't coming.]

Ally? Acquaintance?

... Sister?

....Sister. [NO that wasn't it but maybe she should just stick with that for now. He's a turtle. She doesn't have to get super-specific.]

[But to get back to the point.]

Your sister's friend is trying to kill you.

Yes. [This is the point she is trying to make.] At least -- that's the threat that has been issued. He won't succeed.

Still, I think your sister needs better friends.

[Effie feels so uncomfortable referring to her as "sister." NOT the right word.]

Hmph. True. It's fine. I simply only eat packaged food.

...

Thanks for answering my question, anyway.

[Even if the answer was 'no'.]

I did? I confess I forget what your question was.

... If you've ever changed your mind about something.

[You are a highly distracted person.]

May I ask a question, now? Why do you want to know?

It's, you know... relevant.

[He doesn't want to share the details with you.]

Relevant to what, exactly? Have the people here tried to force you to change, too?

Hardly force.

[Translation: Don't be nosy.]

[Effie is the definition of nosy.]

Nothing you say along those lines could surprise me. I know what the people here are capable of with their little ideologies.

Edited 2013-07-25 13:39 (UTC)

[Don't call Robert's culture a 'little ideology'. 8||| ]

Aren't you being kind of closed-minded?

Why does refusing to be changed by others automatically equal closed-mindedness?

You don't even seem to be considering the possibility of changing.

That's absurd. Where I come from, those who change are the ones who disappear.

... What?

Why does everyone here act so shocked at that information? If you get wrong thoughts in your head, you're taken. Interrogated. Possibly turned into a slave. Who knows? What everyone DOES know is to simply avoid all that misfortune and keep the correct thoughts in order!

Are you from 1984 or something?

That would be FAR in the past for me! Not at all, my green friend!

[The idea of that is so AMUSING.]

Listen -- you've nothing to be shocked or upset over. I long ago learned the correct way to be. I see no reason to change that here.

You understand there are no thought police here, right?

How do YOU know?!

[Well um.]

If there were, I'm 98% confident that either myself or my partner would have been arrested by now.

[Which kind of brings him back to the original point.]

And I don't think we will be as a result of this whole mess.

[Headshake. But still, Effie feels for this poor boy. Maybe it would behoove her to ask:]

And was this the mess you changed your mind about?

It's the one I'm considering the possibility of changing my mind about.

Edited 2013-07-29 02:09 (UTC)

It takes you a long time to think things through, doesn't it.

I... Well, yes.

[Are you saying this is a bad thing?]

[Does Don care what you think is a bad thing?]

As long as it doesn't cost you your life, then I suppose to each his own. You seem a very sensible sort of green man.

[That is a very high compliment, Don.]

You're wanting to get philosophical this time of night?

It's my favorite time to get philosophical.

Yeah, I guess.

_{[ There's a groaning sound. ]}

Well, in answer your question, yeah, I have had that. Never wanted to be in Starfleet, but here I am now, a Captain.

[Long pause.]

Of course you always wanted to be in Starfleet.

Hmm, can't say it had ever really crossed my mind. I guess I did, once or twice, but it wasn't until Pike came and got me that I actually wanted to. He did some freaky reverse psychology on me or something, I'm sure, but it doesn't much matter now.

[Totally distracted from his original point.]

Aren't you Captain Kirk?

_{[ Oh. This. Okay, here we go. ]}

All right, so I'm guessing you watched a TV show called Star Trek, am I right?

Well, I am Captain Kirk, but not that Captain Kirk. I'm a different one, forged by a splitting of time streams. So I am him, just not the one you know. And yes, my ship is called the Enterprise and yes, my lieutenant is Spock.

_{[ That made perfect sense. Of course it did. ]}

... Are you sure you haven't had your memory wiped?

Yeah, I'm really sure. It sounds all kinds of crazy, but considering where we are, does it really sound all that weird?

If you say so... Captain.

So, um... what made you want to be in Starfleet?

Well, Captain Pike showed up. He threw down a challenge, and I could never quite resist that. I think he knew that too.

What was the challenge?

He said I would make Captain in five years. I said it would take me three. Of course I had to prove him wrong.

... You joined Starfleet to win a bet?

Well, yeah, but... my dad was in it, a long time ago, and my mom. Had to prove I could come out from my dad's shadow too in some sense.

But that reason wasn't important to you until someone gave you a challenge?

I guess. It's wired to think about now, but until then I also held a lot of resentment towards Star Fleet too.

[Interesting.]

Why?

_{[ Interesting, maybe, but he wasn't that deep into his cups to spill
his guts like that, and some things he had to keep to himself, right?
]}

Let's just say it did not hold pleasant memories for me.

_{[ Or lack thereof, all things considered, but he didn't like talking
about that absence in his life, replaced by something very lacking. ]}

[BUT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS TO KNOW okay fine.]

Thanks for... telling me that much.

This is a philosophy session, not therapy. Besides, I have to add some mystery to the man that is me.

[Damn it, how did you do that.]

Of course.

_{[ Magic. ]}

Anyways, I didn't grab your name, even though you obviously know mine.

It's Donatello.

Like the famous painter?

Sculptor, actually.

I was close enough. I knew he had to do with the Italian Renaissance at least.

Yes, exactly.

[It's a little exciting that Captain Kirk - or some version of him - has at least a vague idea of who Donatello-the-Turtle is.]

_{[ Well, he doesn't know you're a giant talking turtle. So, you know,
there's that. But you're also not the most alien thing he's ever come
across either. ]}

Parents must have had some high aspirations for you, huh?

He certainly did.

[Whether Don ever met them is another question.]

So are you actually any good at art?

Terrible.

_{[ There's a laugh. ]}

So much for name's being indicators of destiny, right?

It wasn't really what he had in mind for us. He just... likes art.

Well, fair enough I guess. Wait. You said 'us'. You have siblings or something?

Three brothers.

Three, huh? Young, older? Quadruplets?

Who knows? It doesn't really matter.

_{[ So, adopted, probably. ]}

Yeah, I guess not in the long scheme of things.

[Sort of.]

Thanks for your help, Captain.

Anytime. But, uh, call me Kirk. I'm a civilian these days.

Ah... sure.

[This will be very exciting later.]

Hopefully I get to meet you at a more decent hour next time, Don.

[Hey, Donatello. Here's someone you haven't talked to for a while, but a question like that definitely draws Jeb in and prompts him to answer. He knows how that feels, the wounds reality inflicted on his ideals still relatively fresh.]

Yes, I have. [A pause.] At least, it's made me rethink several things dear to me.

[Life is still beautiful... but life can also be incredibly cruel, and while Jeb has managed to shift his ideals with that knowledge, there are still times where he struggles. Some days are just worse than others, really.]

[Sorry, doesn't recognize you when he's not tripping over you.]

Can I ask... how you were convinced?

[In Don's defense, Jeb is very easy to trip over.]

I was sent back to my own world for a year, even though very little time passed here while I was. The last memory I have from there before coming back to Luceti is of two people very close to me covered in blood... because they got hurt trying to protect me and my siblings.

[It's a story that's gotten easier for Jeb to tell, but it's no less painful.]

Is that... [How to ask this delicately.] - a new experience for you?

Well... y-yes. No one close to me has ever come close to dying before.

["Come close to," because he refuses to believe they're dead. Because the hope that he'll go home and there will be time to heal them is something that keeps him going.]

Edited (WOW that was the wrong icon) 2013-07-04 18:02 (UTC)

What did that make you change your mind about?

Before everything happened, I believed that the world could be beautiful, no matter what. After they got hurt, I questioned that a lot. If people I cared about so deeply could be robbed of their lives at such a young age, and for horrible reasons... was the world really beautiful?

In the end I decided that the world's beauty could still shine through the ugliness... but there are things that could happen to make even that not worth it. I guess I became less idealistic. [Though his ideals are still present, it's certainly not in the same way as before.]

[This is some heavy stuff, Jeb. You sound more in need of advice than Don is. But first, a different question.]

Do you think that what you do matters? Can you make the world better, even when other people are making it worse?

...I don't think I can--not alone. But I can at least continue to try.

[Even if he doesn't believe in himself as much as much as he should.]

So it changed your beliefs... but not your actions.

Is not that not only inevitable?

[He knows a little too much about that--or rather, not doing enough of it. Clinging to old ideals, unable to admit mistakes... that is the sin that not only Kratos carries, but his old pupil as well. Yuan was the only one who actively tried to rectify what they had done and respect Martel's wishes.]

Changing your viewpoint is not always such a bad thing. At times, it can expand your knowledge on the subject. [Like Anna had showed him--and likewise, their son had slowly been reteaching him...]

[Of course, he had been through those wrenching moments of "so that's what ninjutsu is for" and "holy shell humans are real and actually want to kill me". But somehow, this is different.]

I think... this is a strange example.

A strange example?

[Kratos won't pry too much, but that does make him wonder what exactly is bothering the one on the other end.]

Something is... maybe not as bad as I thought. Most of my paradigm shifts have been the other way around.

Is that not a good thing? Life is full of paradigm shifts of both directions. Your beliefs are constantly put to the test.

[This is not entirely true for Kratos, but he knows he's not exactly a normal example of life flowing naturally.]

And if something is better than what you suspected, then perhaps that's something to be grateful for.

It should be, but... despite the facts, it's not easy to change how I feel.

It usually isn't.

[...]

If you don't mind disclosing, how much would this changed perspective impact your life?

[He's silent a long time before answering.]

Functionally, right now, not a lot. But I would have to rethink parts of my past in very unpleasant ways.

I see.

[Hm.]

If you believe that rethinking the unpleasant events in your past will pay off the most in the end, then I encourage you to do so. However, I would advise caution regardless. You should be all right so long as you aren't reckless.

Edited 2013-07-13 14:11 (UTC)

[He's usually not the reckless one.]

I... I think it would be wrong for me to not think about it now.

Well, yeah. That's just how life works sometimes. I never thought I had time for friends until... well, until I needed to. And then my friends are teaching me things every day.

[This sounds highly relevant.]

Did you do anything special, to make friends?

I helped save all of reality. Does that count?

... Well, actually, I met all of my friends almost by accident. The world-saving part was sort of icing on the cake. It was the first thing to really bring us together!

... You saved reality?

[What, exactly, was it in danger from?]

[ Solemnly ] Equestria was in danger from eternal night. My friends and I stopped the evil Nightmare Moon from taking over, and learned about the magic of friendship in the process!

[He's really not in the mood for this.]

That's... that's great, Twilight.

[ Twilight hears his hesitation. ] Don, what's troubling you?

[How does he explain this to a magical pony.]

Equestria wouldn't happen to have quasi-illicit mind-altering substances, would it?

Not that I know of. Why do you ask?

That's what's bothering me.

Seventy-First Theory [Voice/Action]

[Written | Filtered 100%] | (Warning for mentions of drug use)

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