i_speak_softly | Seventy-First Theory [Voice/Action]

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Seventy-First Theory [Voice/Action]

[It's been an extremely frustrating month. First he was kidnapped and experimented on by the Malnosso, while everyone else in the village - as Don learned later - got to fly, with their own wings. As the long-vanished Raphael would say, "Turtle Luck runnin' true to form".]

[When the droids returned him, he was invisible for a week, and spent most of that time watching his partner have a serious substance abuse problem, while the Turtle himself was powerless to do anything about that or the underlying issues causing Robert's addiction to resurface.]

[When Don became visible again, Robert tried to explain himself, but the Turtle had seen too much of drugs in his own world to want to hear any more about it. As a result, for the past few weeks relations have been strained at best in the Hamato-Hastings household.]

[Today Don heads out to the beach, seeking to clear his head and reconnect with his Filial magic. The Malnosso's experiments had had strange effects on his control of the elements, and he thinks he'd better spend some time re-establishing his bond with the spirits, the true source of these abilities.]

[In the afternoon, he happens to check his journal and finds a long, privately-filtered written message from Robert: another attempt to explain his behavior. Part of Don doesn't want to read it, but another part knows he owes that much to his partner of over two years.]

[That doesn't make it easy, though, and Don can only stand to read the manifesto in small pieces over the next several hours.]

[When he's done, he stays at the beach, watching sunset, watching the stars come out. When night and solitude have made him invisible again, he opens his journal.]

Have you ever learned something... that made you change your perspective... on something you thought you would never change your mind about?

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[Quietly:] You are... w-welcome. I did not understand how... d-differently your world treats such substances...

[He had assumed it was similar. He assumed wrong. Even now, it seems, he still has a lot to learn about other worlds.]

[Before anyone gets the wrong idea:]

I'm still angry. But - it isn't what I thought.

[Robert expected as much. Still, the anger is in a place they both agree on, now - or, well, he hopes, anyway.]

I... t-take too much for granted, I suppose... after this l-long.

[He shakes his head.]

We should have talked about this a long time ago. It's just that neither of us realized there was anything to talk about.

It seems like I ought to have. [In a self-reproachful tone, the man adds:] After so long, h-how could I have not realized how you felt...?

[Oh. Um. He kind of thought you did and just avoided the topic anyway.]

It doesn't matter. We can talk about it now.

[Robert has never been good at the perceptiveness thing.]

What is left to... d-discuss, at this point...? [Not dismissive, but genuinely curious. Robert doesn't really know where to go from what he wrote earlier.]

[Very cautiously, as though poking a bomb that may or may not be defused:]

Why did you do it?

[Still staring forward at the plants, rather than at Don:] My... initial drug usage, or... or the m-most recent manipulation...?

Or are you... curious about b-both...?

[Don, too, is looking at the dark grass.]

Let's start at the beginning.

The beginning... [Robert echoes it quietly, folding his hands and gently wringing them several times before saying anything. Finally, he breaks the stillness of the night once more.]

As you may r-recall, when I first met Benjamin, I was... f-fourteen years of age. But I was not introduced to arylcycloheylamines until... s-some time later, at fifteen.

To be precise... [His focus turns inward.] It was Holumo, specifically the twenty-seventh of December, at sixteen-fifteen in the afternoon, and Benjamin mentioned the name of a small venue he had been frequenting consistently... by the name of Altitude.

I agreed to a-accompany him on a date there... [It's plain that Robert, at the time, didn't really know exactly what it was for.]

[Don listens in fascination. Robert doesn't often talk about Benjamin, and Don can't help being curious about a person who was so important in his partner's life - even if not entirely in a good way.]

We went the next day. I remember Benjamin b-being... quite exuberant and enthusiastically informing me that I would "really have a great time". [The last part of the sentence is said in a cadence that is distinctly different from Robert's usual speaking tone, casual and enthusiastic. It might remind Don a little of Casey.] And... I s-suppose I did.

Altitude's facilities were c-clean and well-kept... the interior was actually quite similar to Luceti's Good Spirits, albeit... with padded, lowered seating so as to not present a r-risk to customers who... could not physically distinguish their edges. Were sterile, single-use syringes not involved, one would hardly be able to distinguish the reason... for the club's e-existence. [A slight, but sardonic, smile flits across Robert's features at that.]

I did not u-utilize any chemical alteration on that day... I was m-merely a participant in the discussions, though I remember being very anxious. [He wrings his hands.] I... r-remember feeling that... that Benjamin and his friends there seemed... very capable of i-interaction. They seemed... comfortable...

I suppose I... wished for such a sense of c-confidence myself. I was curious to experience the b-beauty and serene relaxation that... the s-substances purported to possess. And... most importantly, I wished to belong s-somewhere...

[His voice audibly quavers, and he stops, more to collect himself than anything.]

[Don rubs his arms as he listens, maybe-obviously thinking of the marks on Robert's skin - marks he didn't yet have when these events took place.]

Do you remember what they were talking about?

[What was it that Robert wanted so badly to be a part of?]

All s-sorts of topics... some much like what we talk about. R-Recent innovations in technology, and projected inventions... fascinating ph-philosophical questions... or mundane topics, such as their own l-lives, studies, friendships or partners...

... What the ingestion of s-substances did was... allow for a sort of binding even in absence of s-similar opinion, or to allow one to feel comfort in sharing such t-topics. It... was not n-necessary, of course, but the general expectation was that, upon ingestion or administration of said s-substances, one's willingness to speak, and one's perception of one's own thoughts, would... be s-subsequently altered, and therefore take on... different dimensions of m-meaning.

... I can p-personally attest to the effect, though... p-perhaps it is more artificial than I would have c-cared to admit at the time of my extensive usage...

[He can't help but knead his own arms gently now that he can see Don doing so. All these memories...]

[Don is silent for a while, reflecting on this, wondering what he might have done to gain access to such a group. After learning about the comparative mildness of drugs in Robert's world, and hearing this background, it's getting harder and harder to think that what the Terran did was wrong.]

When did you start... using?

It was the s-second of February when I... first tried a dose. [The kneading becomes more rhythmic, localized at a particular spot near his elbow on his left arm.] The lowest dose that was s-sold, of course... it was administered in a small bottle along with a p-pre-wrapped syringe, both of which bore the logo of the club. They... t-took pride in the artistic and holovideographic designs of their m-more high-end bottles...

... It was, and I suppose still is, s-something of a ritualistic behaviour.... the p-paraphernalia associated with the sessions is... a part of the experience.

But I... d-digress. [He pauses again.] ... What did you... w-wish to know, precisely, about it...?

[How does he put this into words? He'll start with:] Was it worth it?

[At first, he doesn't answer. Instead, he just keeps rhythmically focusing on that spot on his arm.

Finally, he asks a question in return.] Physically, or... e-emotionally?

Any of it. Did you find... what you were looking for?

[More kneading punctuates his answers with a backdrop of discomfort.] Yes. A-At first, of course.

... The... the euphoria... Don, perhaps you do not u-understand as it comes so easily to you, but... but to be so free, to feel so comfortable - at times I n-nearly was able to pretend as if I had never felt anxiety or social d-discomfort at all. And even though some of the s-side-effects were unpleasant, it was... worth that feeling of connection, that at last I was... truly able to meld with others...

... [Softer, but more harshly:] I d-deluded myself into thinking that... this state would o-only be beneficial to maintain indefinitely. I lost sight of... of wh-why it had been positive to begin with. It became damaging, and eventually I was unable to stop...

... Even now I am not c-certain... when that line was crossed...

[Don takes Robert's hand and holds it tightly, stopping the fidgeting.]

What makes you think I feel that way around other people?

[See that face on the scientist? That's the face of someone having a miniature potential-epiphany.]

... I... I th-thought perhaps that, with the... e-ease you demonstrate, you... did not feel the same f-fears or insecurities...

And certainly you can... u-understand more... [Don does not have to grapple for meaning in the same way Robert does. But is Don still afraid?]

[Don sighs and pulls Robert against him. When the scientist is settled against his shoulder, he goes back to holding his hand, playing with the chain around his wrist.]

Not the same, I think. But not completely different either.

[Robert resettles against Don, shivering slightly. The thousands of still-sharp memories in his head contrasted against the comfort of his partner's body is strange - it's hard to keep his mind in the present when he's so busy reliving parts of the past.]

... Perhaps the difference is... i-in how we chose to deal with such feelings.

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