Seventieth Theory [Video]

[i_speak_softly]

Hello, everyone. My name is Donatello. I was just like the majority of you here in the village, until a -- an incident I cannot speak of turned me into what I am today. I have become accustomed to this form, though it does present certain obstacles in dealing with a human-centered world.

Fortunately, I have an incredible talent for creating inventions both useful and aesthetically-pleasing. [Here, the video shows some objects of indeterminate purpose, which appear to be made primarily out of gears, wires, and brass.] Due to certain circumstances, I have heretofore not been able to use this talent to benefit others, but now I am able to offer my services in developing assistive technologies for the non-human members of our community.

I am also available to fulfill requests from humans, although non-humans will be served first due to their obvious superiority. [...] I mean, their greater need.

Comments

[video]

[i_speak_softly]

Perhaps you would be so good as to come to my lab, then?

[video]

[marinerd]

Tell me where it is and I shall be there!

[video]

[i_speak_softly]

[Don replies with a map, the margins of which are filled with eldritch symbols. You can follow that, right?]

[action]

[marinerd]

[Nerd Jack, like Pirate Jack, loves maps and codes. He's going to do his darndest and will eventually wind up on Don's front steps, which look surprisingly like Robert's front steps.]

Hallo?! Anyone home? Anyone want to make a man more wolfish?

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

[Ominous lightning-esque flashes... flash, from the windows of the house, and then the door opens, revealing a mutant Turtle in a lab coat.]

Right this way, please.

[action]

[marinerd]

[Oblivious to ANY DRAMA, Jack does as he is told!]

Of course, of course! How long do you think it will take?

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

It's quite a painstaking process, I'm afraid, though I do try to expedite it wherever possible. I'm sure we can have you enhanced in no time at all.

[action]

[marinerd]

I can't hardly wait! My woman will truly want me again once I'm wolfish!

[Hurry UP, Don! FIX HIM!]

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

[Through the magic of television, it only takes a short montage for Donatello to run his tests and prepare a dose of mutagen for Jack. Wearing full safety gear, he presents the glowing vial.]

Are you ready?

[action]

[marinerd]

Ready!

[Jack squeezes his eyes shut. He is prepared for ANYTHING as long as it makes him AWESOME.]

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

[Accompanied by dramatic music and somewhat-hokey special effects, Don pours the mutagen over Jack. When the flash of light fades, what will the audience see...?]

[action]

[marinerd]

[A nerd, with his normally really mussy hair mussed up in the shape of two little wolfie ears on top of his head. Also, somehow the flash left a smudge of soot on the tip of his nose.]

Did it work?! Am I.......ferocious?

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

[Don stares at Jack for a long minute, then flings the empty vial to the ground, smashing it into pieces.]

I have failed! My science is nearly as inferior as you still are!

[action]

[marinerd]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[He clutches his head in his hands. There might be another flash of dramatic lightning at some point.]

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

[Don pushes Still-human!Jack towards the door of the house.]

Get out! You remind me of every disappointment I have ever suffered!

[action]

[marinerd]

[Jack stumbles meekly along, begging for forgiveness along the way.]

I can make myself better! More ferocious! WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY! Honor-bright, mate! I won't let you down. I PROMISE!

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

[Don seizes Jack by the collar and drags him close.]

Who has the technology?

[action]

[marinerd]

[GAH. Jack is ninja-grabbed and dragged!]

I -- PEOPLE. MAGICAL PEOPLE.

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

[Don shakes Jack like the nerdy weakling he is.]

BRING THEM TO ME.

[action]

[marinerd]

I WILL I WILL I PROMISE DON'T HURT ME!

[It's a total lie. He's going to run and hide after this and hope never to see this scary turtle ever again.]

[action]

[i_speak_softly]

[Don will believe him anyway. He flings Jack bodily out of the house, slamming the door behind him.]

[Don't come back until you have those "magical people". Or, you know, don't come back ever.]