Seventieth Theory [Video]

[i_speak_softly]

Hello, everyone. My name is Donatello. I was just like the majority of you here in the village, until a -- an incident I cannot speak of turned me into what I am today. I have become accustomed to this form, though it does present certain obstacles in dealing with a human-centered world.

Fortunately, I have an incredible talent for creating inventions both useful and aesthetically-pleasing. [Here, the video shows some objects of indeterminate purpose, which appear to be made primarily out of gears, wires, and brass.] Due to certain circumstances, I have heretofore not been able to use this talent to benefit others, but now I am able to offer my services in developing assistive technologies for the non-human members of our community.

I am also available to fulfill requests from humans, although non-humans will be served first due to their obvious superiority. [...] I mean, their greater need.

Comments

[Video]

[selfmadeprincess]

Wha-what do you have against humans?

[Video]

[i_speak_softly]

Why, nothing at all. I love humans. My only desire is to bring them to greater happiness and unity by turning them into human-animal hybrids.

[video / after overhearing the thread above, sorry that wasn't clear!]

[marinerd]

Oh! I want to be part manticore!

[Don, meet Nerd!Jack Sparrow. Enjoy.]

[Video]

[selfmadeprincess]

But what if they don't want to?

[Video]

[i_speak_softly]

My dear girl, I didn't want to either at first. But trust me, you will come to see that it's better this way.

[Video] That's fine! o/

[i_speak_softly]

Part manticore? Sir, manticores are already an aberrant mix of at least three different species. I will have no part of such dark science.

[Also overhearing; Audio this time!]

[merciless_savior]

Part animal, really. Do we get to pick our species?

[i_speak_softly]

Of course. I'm a reasonable individual.

[Audio]

[merciless_savior]

How refreshingly reasonable. Hopefully I'll have selected one by the time you impose this on every human.

[Audio]

[i_speak_softly]

I can't make any guarantees, but I will certainly try to honor all requests.

And please don't think of it as imposing. After all, it's for their own good.

[Audio]

[merciless_savior]

A parent may impose their rules on a child, and call it for their own good, and yet it is still imposing one's will upon another.

If someone were to select an avian, would they have functional flight-capable wings I wonder? Or would the weight of a humanoid size be simply too great to get off the ground?

[Perhaps oddly, the professor doesn't sound disturbed by any of this. Maybe he's just weighing it as a thought experiment.]

[video] Hurray AND LOOK WE HAVE A THREAD AGAIN

[marinerd]

What about part liger? That is a mix of TWO different species, but a legitimate mix, sir! I've been reading up on it!

[Audio]

[i_speak_softly]

But, you see, it will soon be their will as well.

Who said you would still be of humanoid size?

[video] YES WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN

[i_speak_softly]

Your sources are incorrect, then. The original liger turned out to be illegitimate, as the lion and tiger in question were later found to be long-lost siblings.

[Audio]

[merciless_savior]

I'd rather not have to acquire a completely new wardrobe if at all possible, so with luck I'll find something that allows me to stay roughly in the same height and weight range. This wouldn't work so well with a bird phenotype I suppose.

[video] I D E K

[marinerd]

Ugh. You mean they did the nasty whilst being related?!

[Gross. Really. Come on.]

Bugger. I want to be somethin' fierce!

[video]

[i_speak_softly]

Yes, though they didn't know at the time.

Might I recommend an alligator? Powerful, resilient, and with a certain verdant attractiveness.

[Audio]

[i_speak_softly]

It depends on the individual. Complex calculations are necessary for even a rough guess at the outcome, so I couldn't tell you what form might suit your requirements.

[video]

[marinerd]

Too scaly. I don't think the female creatures would like scaly...

[Audio]

[merciless_savior]

Are there other examples besides yourself that one might use as comparison? If there's a species that regularly produces roughly the same result, it might be a good baseline.

[video]

[i_speak_softly]

[Affronted:] I assure you I have never lacked for female creatures.

[Audio]

[i_speak_softly]

I would gladly provide references, but I guarantee each of my clients total confidentiality. You understand, of course.

[Audio]

[merciless_savior]

Ah, but if they're not in Luceti, and their names aren't provided, they'll still be quite anonymous. Their confidentiality remains!

[video]

[marinerd]

[Sadly:] I have.

[Audio]

[i_speak_softly]

I'm sorry, it's simply impossible.

[And yet, as he speaks, the camera shifts to capture an image of a row of folders - medical charts? - each clearly marked with the name of one of Donatello's "clients".]